Um, Barry, I think you better get someone else.
-I don't think it's a good idea. - It's a great idea.
Come on. You gotta do it.
No, I don't think so. Do it. Come on. I need you.
Barry, if I work for you, the fun would go out it, you know?
There'd be a lot of tension. It might even screw up our marriage.
Fuck our marriage. Come on. This is important. I need you.
Don't you want the show to be as good as it can be? Aren't you behind me?
You gotta be joking. Of course I'm not joking.
You just said, "Fuck our marriage."
I'm joking.
This is getting really boring. I'm gonna switch it, all right?
I just thought that...
Forget it.
I'm very proud of you.
It's wonderful for you.
Come on. Okay?
Hmm? Come on. Okay?
Barry?
Baby, I don't wanna go in the sink.
Yeah! In the sink!
I don't wanna go in the sink.
Oh-ho! Hi, Ellen!
Hi, Stu.
Are you having a party? Yeah, a sink party.
Oh, uh, hi, hon. My mother wasn't feeling well, so I decided to come home.
Ellen, I thought you and your mother were...
uh- Eh...
Um, what...
what are you two up to?
Look, I better go out and come back in. Barry, come back.
You cut me off!
Hey, Theresa, come here. Come with Stuey,
and have a Stuey sandwich with Mimi and Stuey.
You want one?
No.
He became a millionaire. How about that?
Brings back memories.
A lot of changes. I'm nicer, I make more money...
and I only hang up on one out of seven.
...with Dallas' own Mr. Popularity, Barry Champlaign.
I'm Sidney Greenberg, reminding you that it's not how much you take,
it's how much you take home.
Hey!
How's Chicago? You look great. Great. You look great too.
Ellen, what are you doing here?
I couldn't miss Barry's premiere.
Yeah, we only have a couple of minutes. You mind if I steal Barry?
You know where the green room is. Have a cup of coffee. We'll catch up.
Sure. Bye.
Evening, Barry. I have two minutes. What is it?
I'll make it brief. I know you've got your show to do.
Barry, we've run into some slight scheduling problems...
concerning the national feed.
We're gonna have to delay it for at least a couple of weeks.
Hi, Stuey.
Ellen! Holy cow! I knew you'd show up.
Jesus, let me look at you here. Are you taking young pills or something?
Wanna step into my crib with me? You must be excited.
Oh, yeah, I'm jumping out of my skin. You kidding me?
I called my mother and told her we're gonna broadcast all over the country.
She says, "Stuart, that's beautiful. What country?"
Good to see you. It's good to see you.
Hi, I'm Laura Nicholson. I spoke to you on the phone. Hi.
Oh, it's nice to meet you. You must be Barry's secretary.
No, actually, I'm his producer. We're going in a few seconds. Excuse me.
Let's go. From the heart of the Lone Star state,
it's time for Dallas' most popular talk show, Night Talk...
- with Barry Champlaign. - # Bad to bone #
The KGAB phone lines are open and ready for your call...
at 555-TALK.
Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Isn't this exciting?
I've just received some terrible news.
Night Talk will not be broadcast nationally tonight...
due to the usual corporate, big business, inefficiency,
sloppiness and bureaucracy.
I've just been informed of a scheduling problem.
Nothing personal, nothing logical, just business as usual.
Maybe the show will go national next week, maybe next month.
No one seems to know. I'm sorry.
I feel I've let you, the listeners, down.
But I've been in this business long enough to know you can lose the battle...
and still win the war.
Night Talk still has a purpose, a standard to which it must rise,
and I will not let you down on that score.
This show is about saying what's got to be said.
That's what we're gonna do here tonight.
Tonight, anything goes.
I wanna hear you. I want you to tell me what you really think.
No holds barred. Call 555- TALK. I'm sorry.
The door is open. Hit me with your best shot.
Night Talk. Jerry from Rockwell.
You're on. Barry.
Have you ever entertained one single doubt...
about the truth of the Holocaust?
I think we've had this conversation before, sir.
When you make these accusations against Jews, when you start questioning the Holocaust,
I think you should have some facts available, and the facts are available.
Well, of course. We'd love to sit down and debate them with you.
Uh-huh. Well, who's "we"? Am I talking to a "we" or a "you"?
Well, Barry, we're organized in our belief...
the same way the Zionists are organized in their belief.
We could debate it. It would be very easy and simple.
It would be far more simple and valuable for you to get in touch with,
let's say, the Holocaust Museum down in Washington.
Uh-huh. They'll send you the names of all the Jews...
who died during World War ll.
They have all this information. I mean, the first one to say if somebody made a mistake...
They say six million died? It could've been five million or seven million.
It could be two also.
Is that the issue? That two million innocent people died?
Why should one single innocent person die, Jew or non- Jew? I agree.
But the Zionists are using this issue and the guilt on the American public...
to extort from us our tax dollars.
The figures we have say every family in Israel...
gets over$10, 000 of our taxes.
Well, you'll never see more collective poverty than in Israel.
I urge you to take a trip there. All you got to do, Barry, is go to West Virginia.
What does West Virginia have to do with it? Or Nebraska or Idaho,
where you'll see farmer after farmer biting the dust, Mm-hmm.
losing their farms, can't get decent loans. Yeah.
If we had the loans and grants that are sent to Israel,
we wouldn't be losing our farms, which is the backbone of this country.
And what if a woman competes with you in the marketplace and takes your job?
What if black men start dating and marrying white women? Oh!
And what if homosexuals are teaching your children?
And what if you're afraid to walk the streets at night?
What if you see yuppies getting rich while you're standing in the unemployment line?
And what if your government sends you to Vietnam...
to fight a war they have no chance of winning?
And what if your country is slipping away, lost?
I know the argument, friend.
It's the great theory of history. I've heard it before.
It says, "When things ain't good,
"instead of getting down and doing something about it,
instead of changing your life, it's a hell of a lot easier to blame somebody else."
And it just don't wash in my book.
Well, that's a very nice speech, Barry, Mm-hmm.
but it seems to me you're making pretty good money on that station.
And since you're an outsider to these parts and all,
it seems difficult, I guess, to relate to the common-folk problems out here.
There is no room for self-pity, sir, in my life or yours.
Now, you ought to read the Turner Diaries, Barry, by William Pierce. It's all there.
Mm-hmm. It says...
Yes, I'm familiar with that novel - a product of the enlightened man.
Now, let me finish! Barry, I got Beauty on five.
What it does is lays out the plan for the coming revolution. Mm- hmm.
See, the word "America, "Barry, means "heavenly kingdom" in the gothic language.
Yeah. It's the real new Jerusalem of Scripture.
It shows you how the Jews are impostors who took...
Yeah, yeah, yeah. For those of you who don't know it,
it starts idiotically enough in the year 1991. That's correct.
It's written as a diary by a young, white, racist, electrical engineer...
who joins an underground paramilitary organization...
known as "The Order." That's right.
Oh, am I doing all right? Oh, great.
They institute a revolution against ZOG,
the Zionist Occupied Government of America.
And along the way, they kill all the mongrel races...
Jews, blacks, homosexuals, feminists...
and other mud people.
It's an idiotic book written for people with bubble gum brains...
who never got out of the fourth grade, watching reruns of The Blob.
Easy, Barry. You're part of the problem.
You're another Jew, another weed-eating Jew,
in control of the media of this country.
And from there, you pass judgement on that which you don't know.
And there will come a day for you, Barry, and thousands of others like you...
who have slept with black women, who have lied to us...
when you will hang from your neck with a placard around it saying,
"I betrayed my race. "
Well, what can you say to a paranoid schizophrenic...
who's a coward for hanging up, except that I guess the day that I hang,
I'll probably defend the asshole who hung me.
Talk radio. Free speech isn't really free at all.
It's actually a little bit like Russian roulette. A very expensive commodity.
You never know what's gonna come up the next time you push the button.
Yeah, you're on Night Talk. I changed my name...
and didn't have any trouble getting Social Security.
My birth certificate has my name spelled differently.
And I- Hello?
Yeah, it's very interesting. What's your view on lesbian priests?
My view on what? How about masturbation?
You got any view on that? No, I don't.
How about that law in Arizona where it's a felony...
to go around with an erection in your pants?
What do you think about that? Well, I-I'm not really calling about that.
Mm-hmm. If they wanna do it, let 'em do it.
Yeah, what?
Kent's on three. I don't think you should take the call.
Lose him, Barry. Barry? Hello?
Yeah, yeah. Well, that's just fine for you. Tell him to shoot it to me.
Hello, Barry? Hello? Well, good, good.
That's good for you.
Gee, tonight's just a walk down memory lane.
And we have Kent with us once again.
Yeah, Kent. I didn't mean to hang up on you.
Yeah, but you did. Listen, Kent, you're a fake. You're a hoax.
You call up with some fake-o story about how you and your girlfriend...
are taking drugs and she's O.D.'d...
and your parents are in Acapulco. Fiji.
Oh, Fiji, right. An important detail.
You're just this poor, mixed-up kid. You don't know what to do.
I think she's dead! What are you trying to tell me?
That your girlfriend O.D.'d? Now she's dead? I don't know, okay?
I just can't get her to wake up! Yeah, we heard that already.
There's foam coming out of her mouth. What?
Foam coming out of her mouth.
Let's dump this guy, now. It's Barry's show, boss.
That's it. That's it. Listen!
My parents are in Fiji, okay?
And the stuff about my girlfriend - Yeah, what?
She - Come on, Kent. Spit it out.
No, you'll cut me off! I won't cut you off, Kent.
You promise?
I promise I won't cut you off, Kent.
I made the whole thing up!
Kent? I lied. I'm cutting you off. What?
Get the hell out of here. No, please! Look, I'm not Iying!
I gotta talk to you. You gotta talk to me?
What are you gonna talk about? Your mother just slit her wrists?
She's bleeding to death?
How about your father? Got a shotgun in his mouth? Gonna blow his brains out?
Tell me, who else is dead? Come on. Who's dead, Kent?
Who's dead? Who's dead? Tell me, who's dead?
No one's dead! No one's dead, Barry.
Come on. Look.
I just wanted to talk. We're talking. You got two seconds. Talk.
Okay, I listen to you all the time, you know. Mm- hmm.
I think about what you say, Bar. Yeah.
You say such cool stuff. Mm-hmm.
Well, I just didn't know what to say, you know.
Look, I wanted to meet you.
Now you're goofing on me. You wanted to meet me?
You can meet me anytime you want. I'm right here in the station.
You're at the station? I'm not the president, for God's sakes.
I'm right here, downtown, in the studio.
So I could just come down? You could just come down.
Now? Right now? Now.
What do you mean, right now? Right now.
I'll just come down. I'm on the air, Kent.
Please?
Sure, Kent. Why not? Come on down. Really?
I'd love to meet you. Just hurry up. Allright!
I'm halfway through the show. We're at the end of the first hour...
of exciting and intellectual conversation here on Night Talk.
Don't go away. We have the news and the weather coming up.
And then we'll be back with more Night Talk.
Barry. Dan.
Laura, call down and tell Security there's a kid coming.
Dan, you want anything? Coffee? Tea? Insulin?
Crack? We have it all right here.
Barry, you should ask me if you wanna have a guest on the show.
Why? 'Cause I'm the boss, Barry. That's why.
Dan, I'll do my job, you do yours, okay?
He is not coming on the show. That's it. We have too much riding...
on what's going on here tonight. What's going on here tonight?
If they think for one minute that you're undependable, it's over.
Dan, Metro Wave bought my show. All right?
This is my show. I put who I want on my show.
If I wanna have Charlie Manson on my show, I'll put him on the show.
Or Ted Bundy - Or how about this. I have David Berkowitz,
Bernard Goetz, John Hinckley on.
We do a special on gun control. How would that be?
Or how about that postman from Oklahoma who killed 14 people, Dan?
He killed his boss. We bring him on the show. Cut.
We bring you on as a special guest. Out. Out.
We're gonna bring these guys on the show. We'll have a terrific show.
Oh, boy, this'll be great.
That's funny stuff, Barry, the mailman who killed his boss.
Did you see what the mailman brought me today?
Huh?
We got half the wackos within 20 miles of this place...
saying how much they wanna "burn your Jew ass."
Think about that, Barry. The time it takes to sit down and write that on paper,
put it in an envelope, lick it, send it to the station.
And I've got boxes of this shit in my office.
These people are dead serious.
All I'm suggesting is that you simply pull it back, just for a little bit.
I think you're a little out of your depth, Dan.
I think it's time - Just stop talking and listen to me for two minutes!
You don't have an audience in here now to cheer you on.
You do whatever you want to tonight, Barry. Have fun. Blow the deal.
I'm not gonna say I don't care, because I worked very hard on this.
- I worked my ass off on this. - This is my life you're talking about.
No, what you are, Barry, is a fucking suit salesman with a big mouth.
Let's call a spade a spade.
It's a job. That's all it is.
You can come in here and start predicting Armageddon if you want to, Barry.
But it's still a job.
A job you did not even know how to do...
until I taught it to you!
What do you think you're doing in here, changing the world?
This is a talk show, Barry, and you are a talk show host.
Alan does the drive time, Jerry does the home handyman stuff,
Sheila does the shrink stuff, Sid does the financial stuff, and you hang up on people.
That's your job.
Now, you're very good at it. You're the joker in my deck,
and I'm very happy for your success.
But you work for me!
I'm your boss.
You wanna have the kid on the show? Have him on!
But you get one thing straight. You fuck up my deal,
and you go back to selling double-knit suits.
I'm glad you take it all so seriously, Barry,
but you gotta learn when to stop or it's gonna kill you.
Go get the kid. The kid is not a good idea, Barry.
You're on his side, aren't you? No, I want you to think about the show.
You could lose everything that you've worked for and everything I've worked for.
Get the kid.
It's very important to Barry.
It's a very important moment in his life.
Yes, he is important to me. He is important.
Look, Lou, he's a fuckin' basket case.
Lou- Allright, allright. Forget it. Forget it.
I'll just stay to see the show tonight, and then I'll be home tomorrow, okay?
Love you.
Yeah. Hey.
Just pretend I'm visiting a sick relative.
All right?
Bye.
Yeah.
Night Talk. We're back. This is the spirit of Barry Champlaign.
Joe, hit me with your best shot. Yeah, Barry.
I've been driving a cab now for about 11 years.
I've met all kinds. I know people. I wish I did.
Let me tell you something, friend.
That kid who just called, what he needs is a good bust in the chops.
Think that would do it, Joe? Kid like that needs some discipline.
Discipline? I got two kids, Barry.
They give me any trouble, I just take off my belt.
They see the belt, that's it.
How old are your children, Joe? Little girl's five, boy's three and a half.
You hit them with a belt? Brush, belt, newspaper. Whatever.
Hey, they're either gonna get it from me or they're gonna get it out there.
Joe, I think you need professional help. What's that?
You need to get together with Jerry. He can hold them down...
while you hit them with a belt. What the hell are you talking about?
You're hitting your kids with brushes and belts. You're psychotic.
You're a psycho. Yeah? And what are you, friend, a faggot?
Coming from a pinhead like you, that's a complement.
How about I come on down there to that station of yours right now...
and bust your little faggot face right in?
Who's gonna help, your brother? You don't say nothin' about my brother.
Your brother hangs around Harry Heinz Blvd., doesn't he? He's a pimp.
And your wife, she's a hooker, isn't she? My wife?
What do you beat her with, a baseball bat?
Hmm?
Well, I know where you live, partner.
Allright? I know what you look like.
Mm-hmm. Sweet dreams, sweetheart.
I can't wait.
Vincent, you're on Night Talk. Say something interesting.
Yeah. Uh- Yeah.
I've been listening to you for five years. Uh-huh.
Yup, and the guys down here at the store put you on every night.
Yup. And we sit around and laugh at you...
Yup. because you're such a jerk-off and...
Yeah, all right. Night Talk. Agnes, yeah.
Barry, can I ask you a question? Hit me.
I wouldn't hit you for the world, sweetheart.
I Love Lucy. Now, why don't they make more of them? What?
What do you want to talk to Barry about?
You wanna rape somebody?
Why don't you go home and take a cold shower. That'd be better.
Those shows are ancient, Agnes. Lucille Ball must be at least 105 years old.
The rest of the cast is dead. No. Now, she's not that old.
I saw her on the show the other night, and she looked to be around 35.
And that Ricky Ricardo, boy, can he play the bongos.
Nobody can be this stupid. Are you serious, Agnes? You know what year this is?
Yeah, John, you're on Night Talk.
Remember me, Barry?
I called and said I was in Turtle Creek.
Well, I...
I raped three women since then.
Do you remember me? I'm not sure. Refresh me, John.
I'm thinking about raping another one, Barry. I saw her this morning.
What are you doing to me, Stu? You're killing me right here on the air.
- Oh, could we relax, please? - These women I raped aren't turning me in.
How come? Well, tell me where you are, John,
and I'll make sure you get some help.
You have my word on that. I'm just so tired of raping women. I...
I'm so tired of raping women!
I - I got rage for them! I got rage for them! John.
When was the last time you raped a woman?
In Greenville a couple weeks ago.
She was- She was struttin' around...
like she was something else.
Yeah, I-I understand, John. I sympathize.
We all get angry.
Where did the rape actually occur?
It was in the backseat of her car.
She pulled into the Jack in the Box parking lot.
I jumped in and said, "Okay, I'm-"
It was nighttime, sometime. I don't know.
How old are you, John? I'm 40.
I was in the pen 12 years. Are you taping this for me?
I didn't get no therapy. They didn't do nothin' for me! Let me hook this up.
They didn't- They didn't- They didn't bother to help me!
Barry, I'm gonna rape somebody. I'm gonna do it. But why?
I gotta! It's an irresistible compulsion.
It's like- It's like tryin' to quit smoking.
Barry, I can't help myself.
I can't...
Yeah, all right. You have this irresistible compulsion.
John, the last time we spoke,
you said that jogging helped you.
Up and down Turtle Creek.
Jogging up and down the Turtle Creek. Turtle Creek!
I could name you every duck in Turtle Creek!
John, have you decided who you're gonna rape next?
I got her picked out, staked out and ready.
I always wanted her.
What is it about her that you like?
What is it about a piece of strawberry pie or a piece of pumpkin pie?
I mean, I don't know. She could be black or white,
Hispano, Japanese, pretty, fat, ugly.
I wanna rape them all!
All right, John, calm down. I wanna help you. I'm your friend.
Are you my buddy, Barry?
I'm your buddy, John.
I can't help myself. I gotta go do it.
You can help yourself. You're not gonna do it, John. No, I gotta do it.
No, you're not gonna do it, John.
Now, listen to me. I'm gonna go do it.
No, no, no. Think about what you're saying, John.
John?
He's gone.
Another lost soul goes into the Dallas night.
We-We have a police trace on this.
If anybody knows anything about this man...
or is in Turtle Creek or sees someone in a phone booth,
please call us here at KGAB.
The number to call is, is 555-TALK.
Uh, let's hear from our sponsors...
Pasty Mate Roach and Termite Cleaners.
Listen closely.
The sound of cockroaches mating...
enhanced 500 times. They couldn't trace it.
Right, I should've kept him on for another three hours.
You know, I once had a cup of Humphrey's coffee.
I was spitting blood for three weeks.
You should try the decaffeinated, Barry.
This is great. Oh, wait. Don't tell me.
He seems pretty harmless.
Come on, kid, sit down. This is your chair.
This is your microphone. Speak directly into it.
Keep your mouth about six inches away from it.
These are your headphones so you can hear the show. These are the ground rules.
What? The ground rules.
No last names, no brand names, no phone numbers over the air.
Other than that, act and speak normally. This is Mr. Barry Champlaign.
You're Barry.
You got him. All right.
What's wrong with him? He's star struck.
Hey, kid, say something. I need a level. Check, check. Check one.
Here we go on five,
four, three, two, one. Stu.
Strap in, bitch. Here we go.
We're back. I'm Barry Champlaign. You're listening to Night Talk.
We have a very special guest with us tonight.
Kent. Say hello to everybody, Kent.
All right.
My sentiments exactly.
We've brought Kent on board to get an inside look at the future of America.
Kent is the classic American youth...
energetic and resourceful, spoiled, perverse and disturbed.
Would you say that's an accurate description, Kent? Yep, sure.
What do you call that haircut? I don't know. Rock and roll!
Are you high right now, Kent?
Am I high? Are you on drugs,
or is this your naturally moronic self?
Watch the drool. You're getting it all over the console.
I can't believe I'm here, man.
Hey. Wow. Does this thing really work?
You're sitting in a radio station, Kent.
You're sitting in front of a live mike.
When you speak, thousands of people hear your voice.
It penetrates their minds.
Okay, okay. No, listen.
I wanna send that one out to Diamond Dave and Billy the bass player...
and all the babes at the Valley View Mall.
We're discussing America here tonight, Kent.
Do you have any thoughts on that subject?
Yeah. Oh, I'm sorry.
I broke your train of thought. Please, keep going. This is exhilarating.
No, I know.
It's not like I'm not political or nothin'. You know, I mean...
I like Bruce. He's political.
Bruce Springsteen, yes. A very deep, political thinker.
He's a communist, isn't he?
No, he's from New Jersey.
His ex is pretty nice. Mm-hmm. Whose ex?
Bruce's. Bruce Springsteen's wife. Yes, what about her?
Julienne. Hi, Julienne.
She was a model. You know that, Bar?
All those guys got models, Bar.
I mean, Mick and Jerry, Keith and Patty,
Prince and...
Prince.
You know, Bar, Bingo.
models only hang around with guys they think are coolest.
Look at you, man. You're a big guy, famous star and all.
I mean, you got that fine babe right over there...
who works for you, man.
So hey, if you got some cash and you're cool,
you get to have a model.
So you wouldn't call yourself a women's libber then, Kent, huh?
Yeah, I would, Bar. I mean, everybody being liberated, you know.
Women, South Africans, all those kind of people, you know.
I saw a show about all that stuff...
about how revolution's a pretty important thing.
We're gonna have a lot more revolutions where people get together,
solidarity and that and...
You know, like that song by Megadeath.
# Peace sells but who's buying #
# Peace sells but who's buying # Ah, come on!
Hey, plus- Oh, I saw this other show...
about how in the future they're gonna have these two-way TV sets.
People will be able to see each other and everything.
And then there's, like, no way they're gonna be able to stop the revolution.
Who won't be able to stop it, Kent?
Big Brother, the government, corporations.
They're a bunch of fascists. They wanna control everybody's mind.
But, hey, freedom's an important thing,
just like you always say, Bar.
You say the best things, Bar.
I listen to you all the time.
You're great. Kent, you're an idiot.
I sincerely hope you do not represent the future of this country,
because if you do we are in sad shape.
Bar, man, you're so funny, man.
That's why I love to listen to your show. That's why all the kids listen to you, man.
Plus, these goons push you around, you know.
All the kids listen to you, Bar.
You are the best thing on the radio!
Kent, we discuss a lot of serious subjects on this show...
sad things, frightening things, tragic things.
Doesn't any of that bother you?
Nope.
Why not?
It's just a show. It's one big rock video, huh, Kent?
Yeah!
No. Come on, Bar.
It's your show.
Yeah, that it is, that it is. It's my show.
Let's go back to the callers on my show.
Uh, Julia, you're on Night Talk.
Barry, hello. Now, you know, darlin',
I think these people who've been callin' you tonight...
are a bunch of I don't know what's.
It's crazy. And that crazy kid you got on there, now, that's terrible.
I've been listenin' to your show for five years straight, Barry,
and I love you and your show.
I think it's terrific that more folks are gonna be listenin'.
I just hope you have time for your longtime friends there, Bar.
I always have time for my friends, Julia.
Aw, you're terrific.
Your show's terrific. I don't know what else to say.
Well, tell me something, Julia, since you listen all the time.
What is it you like about the show?
Well, I don't know.
A lot of things.
Well, what, for instance? Well, I love you, Bar.
Uh-huh, that's a given. Okay, what about me do you love?
Well, you're very funny. Uh-huh.
And I love to hear you talk about all the things you have to say.
Yeah, yeah, okay. Let's get back to the show.
The show must serve some kind of purpose for you.
Well, now, I wouldn't say that. What would you say?
Well, I don't know. What do you mean, you don't know?
You said that at least five times already. What don't you know?
You've been listening to this show for five years. You don't know why you listen to it?
Well, I just said- I heard what you just said.
You said you don't know why you listen to this show. Why don't I tell you why.
You listen so that you can feel superior to the other losers who call in!
Barry! Don't "Barry" me!
You've got sawdust between your ears instead of brains. Just listen to you!
If I sounded as stupid as you, I'd be too embarrassed to open my mouth!
I'm hanging up! Good, and don't call back.
Nothing more boring than people who love you.
Yeah, you're on Night Talk.
I just have one thing to ask you, Barry.
Hit me.
Are you as ugly-looking as you sound? Uglier.
Yeah, I thought you'd say something like that.
But as usual, you avoid the question.
What's the question? I think you know the question.
Is an animal a vegetable or a mineral? The question is obvious.
Why does an intelligent fellow like yourself...
spend so much energy hurting other people?
Hmm? Do you not love yourself?
I think you're very lonely, Barry.
I'm sorry for you, because you don't know how to love.
Night Talk. Ralph.
They always say that, don't they?
"Why are you so angry"?
Well, they don't understand me and you, Barry.
We're the kind of people, we feel too much.
Are we, Ralph?
Yeah, my name is Cheryl Ann. I'll hold.
Who knows? I mean, take, for instance, cancer.
What is cancer? What are you doing, Ellen?
He's all alone out there. So what?
He's going down in flames, Dan.
It's Barry's show, Ellen.
Let Barry do Barry's show.
Well, what are they gonna do with my TV set?
We watch it. That's what people do with TV sets.
What do they see? They see people killing people, babies starving, floods.
And for what? For nothing!
For beer commercials and Tampax ads,
MTV, a yacht, the ocean,
a diamond earring, a racehorse.
Well, I guess so.
I guess so. All I know is what I read in the papers.
And that's a lot of talk. Barry, it's talk. Talk, talk, talk.
Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk! Ralph, Ralph, Ralph!
Tell me something. I'm curious.
How do you dial a phone with a straightjacket on?
Barry.
I don't know much about God and I never was very religious,
but you can't help feeling like something is wrong,
like nobody's driving the train,
the system,
'cause too many people are gettin' sick.
And the traffic, it's just jamming up.
And even the weather, not so good lately.
Barry, I just don't - I don't get it, Barry. I just don't get it.
You don't get it, wimp? Here's what you get! You get $1.59,
That's it. go down to the drugstore, buy a pack of razor blades,
and slash your fuckin' wrists, pinhead!
That's it, kid. Come on.
What? Get him out of here, now!
Hey, Barry!
Get the fuck off me, you fuckin' son of a bitch!
Thank you, Dallas! Good night!
You allright, Barry? Standby.
I'm confused, Barry.
What did you say your name was?
Cheryl Ann.
It's about my ex-husband.
He's back in town and, well, I haven't seen him for a while.
What are you confused about, Cheryl Ann?
Well, let me first say...
that I left my ex-husband for very good reasons.
Did it- Let's not get into them, okay?
And he's anything but perfect.
He smokes, he drinks, he loves to argue.
Sounds like my kind of guy. Yeah.
He is a little bit like you.
Yeah, well, we gotta move it along here, Cheryl Ann.
You wanna get to the point?
I have, um, feelings for him.
What kind of feelings?
Nice feelings.
Um...
This is hard to say.
Sexual feelings?
It's not just that. I mean, yes, of course, but...
I still love him.
It's not the same with my husband.
We had something,
and... I want him.
I want him inside of me.
I want to take care of him.
I want to be with him.
You wanna be close to him.
Yes.
You wanna hold him.
Oh, yes.
You wanna relive the feelings you two had.
Yes, Barry.
You don't love your husband?
No. Well, I...
You tell him that you love him.
You lie to him and you tell him that you love him.
I do love him.
I love him as a friend.
Friend.
Everyone's your friend.
Not like my ex-husband.
There's a passion there for his soul and...
I- I thought I wanted a simple life, but I-I was wrong.
I want my old life back.
Sounds like you made a mistake.
Should've stuck with the first guy.
Yeah, well, what was I supposed to do?
I love you, Barry.
Ever hear the story of the little dog who had a bone in his mouth?
And he's trotting over this bridge and he looks over...
and sees his reflection in the water.
Thinks it's another dog.
That dog has a bone in his mouth too.
The dog wants both bones, so he barks at the little dog in the water,
trying to scare him.
Bone drops out of his mouth.
Loses both bones.
What has that got to do with what I just said?
Babe, I don't know what to tell you.
You blew it!
You know, women like you are never happy.
What do you want me to say? Leave your husband? Go back to your ex?
Your ex doesn't want you.
He's got women all over the place. He doesn't need you.
He's not some suburban zombie like your husband. He's out there having fun.
Did you ever think of that? Maybe your ex-husband doesn't want you?
Hmm? He came on to me. He said he wanted me.
You're Iying again. He said he still loved me.
You're Iying! You're a sexually unsatisfied woman living in a dream world!
I feel sorry for you!
So why don't you stick with Mr. America there,
go out and buy yourself a heavy-duty vibrator, and knock yourself out.
We reap what we sow.
Follow me, Cheryl Ann?
Probably frigid. And we have Theresa on the line.
The day will come for you, Barry.
And there will be a reckoning,
an adding up and a totaling.
Those who turned away will be turned upon.
And I don't care what your story is, Barry.
You are responsible, and there will be no confusion at your trial.
It will be short, and necks will crack.
The whips will strip your back bare to the bone,
and your children will cry for you...
as they are slaughtered before your eyes.
You...
The Jews will hang high over the streets.
You will be buried in piles.
You dig your own holes.
I am here merely to tell you that the day will come.
It will.
Believe it or not, you make perfect sense to me.
I should hang.
I'm a hypocrite.
I ask for sincerity, and I lie.
I denounce the system as I embrace it.
I want money and power and prestige.
I want ratings and success.
I don't give a damn about you or the world. That's the truth.
For this, I could say I'm sorry, but I won't. Why should I?
I mean, who the hell are you anyways, you audience?
You're on me every night like a pack of wolves,
'cause you can't stand facing what you are and what you've made.
Yes, the world is a terrible place.
Yes, cancer and garbage disposals will get you.
Yes, a war is coming.
Yes, the world is shot to hell, and you're all goners.
Everything's screwed up, and you like it that way, don't you?
You're fascinated by the gory details.
You're mesmerized by your own fear.
You revel in floods, car accidents.
Unstoppable diseases.
You're happiest when others are in pain.
That's where I come in, isn't it?
I'm here to lead you by the hands through the dark forest...
of your own hatred and anger and humiliation.
I'm providing a public service.
You're so scared.
You're like a little child under the covers.
You're afraid of the bogeyman, but you can't live without him.
Your fear, your own lives, have become your entertainment.
Next month, millions of people are gonna be listening to this show,
and you'll have nothing to talk about!
Marvelous technology is at our disposal.
Instead of reaching up to new heights, we're gonna see how far down we can go.
How deep into the muck we can immerse ourselves.
What do you wanna talk about, hmm?
Baseball scores?
Your pet?
Orgasms?
You're pathetic.
I despise each and every one of you.
You got nothing,
absolutely nothing.
No brains, no power, no future.
No hope.
No God.
The only thing you believe in is me.
What are you if you don't have me?
I'm not afraid, see?
I come in every night, make my case, make my point, say what I believe in!
I tell you what you are. I have to. I have no choice.
You frighten me.
I come here every night, tear into you, I abuse you, I insult you,
and you just keep coming back for more.
What's wrong with you? Why do you keep calling?
I don't wanna hear it anymore. Stop talking!
Go away!
You're a bunch of yellow-bellied, spineless, bigoted,
quivering, drunken, insomniatic,
paranoid, disgusting, perverted, voyeuristic, little obscene phone callers.
That's what you are.
Well, to hell with you.
I don't need your fear and your stupidity. You don't get it.
It's wasted on you.
Burros before swine.
If one person out there had any idea...
of what I'm talking about...
Fred, you're on Night Talk.
Yes. You see, Barry,
I know it's depressing that so many people don't understand you're just joking.
Jackie, you're on Night Talk.
Hello. I've been listening for years, and I find you a warm and intelligent...
Arnold.
What you were saying before about loneliness, I'm an electrical engineer...
Lucy. My mother is from Waco and wants to know if you went to high school...
Larry. Why do people insist on calling homosexuals normal?
Ralph! I'm in my house.
I'm at home,
which is where you should be, Barry.
Hey, I'm not far away. You could come over if you want.
We're the same kind of people.
I have beer, soup.
I'm here.
Come over later.
I'll wait.
Barry, there's 60 seconds left in the show.
This is dead air, Barry.
Dead air.
I guess we're stuck with each other.
This is Barry Champlaign.
Barry.
That was great. I feel very good about this.
I'm gonna talk to the lawyers, and we'll get started on this deal right away.
We're gonna be seeing a lot more of each other.
I'll be in touch.
Barry.
That was great.
You pulled it off, champ. Congratulations.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Dan.
What if I don't come in tomorrow night?
You'll come in tomorrow, Barry.
You always do.
She left, huh? Yep. I don't blame her.
Her best line was, "Barry Champlaign's a nice place to visit,
but I wouldn't want to live there."
The show's a washout, Stu.
Give me a break, will you? We're going national, man.
Besides, it's not that important. It's just one show.
If it's not that important, why am I doing it? I don't know, Barry.
You don't like the heights, don't climb the mountains.
You know what I mean? It's like that kid just said:
"Man, this is your show."
Where you headed?
I don't know. Go to Ellen's hotel, try to talk.
That's good. Tomorrow, Barry.
Before I take the first caller this evening,
Tomorrow, Stu. I'd like to comment on something I saw...
in the parking lot on the way into the station.
There was a man standing there, Walk you to your car?
obviously mentally disturbed.
It made me think about something we don't often talk about.
Wanna grab a burger, just talk?
I'm too old for you, Laura.
Ow.
I mean, you don't know about Vietnam,
Easy Rider, Beatles.
Start over, Grandpa.
I can't.
I'm inside this thing.
You're not.
You know what my greatest fear is?
Being boring.
You're not boring.
I'm afraid that the whole audience is gonna get up and leave.
I get confused sometimes about this love stuff.
I don't know what people mean when they say that they're in love,
but...
but I do know that I don't think you're the bad guy you think you are.
Yes, I am.
I'll take a rain check on that burger.
Excuse me, Barry. Barry. Mr. Champlaign.
I hate to bother you. Do you think you could give me an autograph, please?
Some show tonight. Sure.
What'd you say your name was? You're dead, fucker.
You come on down to these parts,
you start telling people their business and insulting their race,
you end up like Champlaign, I'll tell you that right now.
I listened to his show the night that he was killed.
There was this drug-crazed kid bothering him.
When people smoke that crack stuff, they go berserk, you know?
I hope they catch that kid.
But they ought to listen to that show. He was on the air.
I didn't think he was gonna get shot or anything,
but that show was strange.
I mean, I got to be on his show the last day. That was his last show.
I feel kinda like my whole life is different, you know?
Like I'm kinda blessed.
But like I told Barry, you know, I mean, hey,
life is kinda just like a big party thrown by God,
and I'm the new toastmaster, Bar.
Like Barry always said,
if you didn't like him, turn him off.
But they didn't have to kill him.
I think that young boy that had come in on the show, I think he did it.
I'll tell you how I feel about it.
I think if you steal something, they oughta cut your hands off.
If you rape somebody, they ought a cut your you-know-what off.
I never called him.
And now I'm sorry.
He never even hung up on me.
I miss him. You know how when you have a cast on your arm...
and they cut it off, you miss having it?
He was like a cast on my arm. I miss him.
He was like a hot-fudge sundae with fresh pecans.
Now, I knew I shouldn't listen to him 'cause he always got me...
so dog-dang riled up till I was like to smash my radio.
He did a whole show once on which way to roll your toilet paper.
Over or under? People responded for hours.
Some got so angry, they hung up.
I called almost every night. I loved Barry.
Didn't care much for the fellow who answered the phone, though.
You know, he always forgot I was waiting on the line.
Didn't I read he was having some kind of problem with his wife?
Yes, he was insensitive and nasty,
but he was a strong, masculine presence on the radio.
Why would anyone do such a thing?
Oh, well, there's another bright star in God's heaven.
My view is that you don't give a group like the neo- Nazis...
access to the airways like he did.
Basically, I couldn't stand Barry Champlaign.
I was in love with his voice. I was in love with his voice.
He was in love with his own voice.
My first thought was that I couldn't believe anyone could hate him that much.
Disagree or dislike, but not hate him. Not kill him.
My second thought was...
that he always wondered if there was a God.
Barry said he had to wait until the evidence was in.
Now you know, Barry.
Now you know.
Now, we know that whatever the law says, it speaks to those under the law...
so that every mouth maybe stopped...
and the whole world may be held accountable to God.
The world is crazy, crazy!
Barry was rude, but he was a funny guy too.
He insulted my mother when I called,
but this is why we have freedom of speech.
I hope that when they remember Barry,
they remember what he said...
and not the style in which he said it.
It was karmic.
You just can't put out that much bad karma...
without it coming back at you.
Barry and I worked together for over seven years.
Whenever you threatened him over the air, man, he'd stick it right back in your face.
It was like his dick was flapping in the wing...
and he liked to see if he could get an erection.
The guy had a little dick, but he liked to flap it out there.
Then they cut if off. Now he's dead.
I don't know if you understand that analogy,
but it's the clearest one I can make.